Non-death losses. 5 Reasons non-death losses are so important in our lives.

There can be so much grief that we grow numb from the unfelt and unexpressed emotions that we carry in our bodies. Unexpressed hurt and pain injures our souls.  Sobonfu Some’

I saw this quote on an Instagram post today and it really hit home. There is so much that we do not allow ourselves to feel when it comes to grief and it gathers to the point that the only thing, we can do to handle it without looking at it and dealing with it, is to ‘numb it.’

 Our North American culture has banished death and grief from the family home, from our neighborhood’s, and communities to the point of near extinction. As a result, most of us are death and grief illiterate. Stephen Garrett -2024.

 This quote really struck me, as quoted from my instructor in a Grief and Loss course that I took through Rhodes Wellness College.

Basically, non-death losses are just that. All the losses we have each experienced in our life that are not involving a death but were deeply meaningful and largely unacknowledged. This would include things like moving, quitting a job, ending a relationship or friendship. It also includes things like menopause, (the end of child-bearing years), or for someone who experienced abuse as a child, the end of innocence. Other examples could be a friend leaving, moving schools, leaving home, and going away to college, parents divorcing or passing away.

5 Reason why do non-death losses matter?

1)     Non-Death loss is still loss. These losses often significantly change our lives. Things are changed permanently and in a way that they will never change back. Think of divorce, the bond between those two individuals will never be the same and will profoundly impact everyone in that immediate family, as well as friendships. Think of menopause. The youth that we may have often taken for granted- tight skin, faster information-processing time-if you think of the brain. Those things will never be as they were before.

2)     These losses have just as profound effect on us as death losses. We feel them deeply, in our bones and in our hearts. Just as when someone dies, we feel a deep sense of loss. Sadness, maybe emptiness. The difference is with non-death losses, they often go unacknowledged and unattended. We do not make space for the grief to be seen and felt.

3)     There are many of them. I encourage you to go through the exercise of listing the non-death losses in your life. Notice with each one how you feel about it, cognitively and in your body. You may notice, if you choose to do this exercise, as I did, that over the course of our journey through life, we experience so many non-death losses and these losses have been pushed down or away so as not to be seen or felt.  Just to clarify, these losses can be positive as well. Events like graduation and promotion, often have losses lurking in the shadows.  A promotion might mean losing the friendships in your current work environment. Retirement might mean losing a sense of purpose in life and a need to re-discover that purpose. Graduating regardless of what age, will mean the people that you have spent a great deal of time with and probably gone through many things together will be over, even though a new beginning is just around the corner. New beginnings are often bittersweet as they also involve losses in some way. We often celebrate the new without acknowledging the loss that goes along with it.

4)     They are often very raw.  These losses have not been looked at or acknowledged as losses and once they are acknowledged, seen, and felt we truly see them for what they are, losses that have impacted and shaped our lives in a very profound way. This can have a big impact on us and leave us feeling raw and vulnerable. Times like this can be a good opportunity to lean into your support system. Whether that is a good friend, a therapist, even journaling or painting may help process the pain of these losses.

5)     Changing the Narrative. By acknowledging and allowing these losses to be seen and heard we change the narrative in our life, and we also can change the narrative of our families and communities. As this change ripples out, it helps to bring these deep wounds into the light so they can be dealt with and in doing so we create a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Maybe we decide to create a ritual or ceremony around our losses, and this also has a ripple effect outwards towards greater health for our societies and ultimately humanity.

It is my belief that we need to get better of how we deal with grief and loss. Non-death losses are still losses. We all have them and they accumulate as we move through the lifespan. Some of us have a ton of unacknowledged grief and loss that is just sitting beneath the surface asking for us to shine our light in that direction. These parts of us that hold our grief and loss deserve a place at the table of our life. The way these events shape us is important. Even acknowledging them is a good start, journaling about them also helps us to work through the often-complex emotions that reside within these losses. Talking to a close friend may be another means of processing these events or having a counselling session with your therapist.

 We are not meant to push past or bury these events. They represent endings that can be awkward, uncomfortable, and sad. By working through these non-death losses, we become a more complete version of ourselves. We understand better who we are and what we have been through. Then, we can start to notice when these losses arise and honor them in a way that is meaningful to us. We can integrate them as they arise. They become a part of us as we journey through life. Part of our story that is then woven together with all the other parts.

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences around this topic. Please send me a note if that feels right for you.